My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Note to self: “rubber” in the US does NOT mean “eraser”. Bright side: my popularity in this office is at an all time high!
Me: BOOP! teehee!
Me: sorry. did you want me to touch MY nose?
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
College Advisor: Well, there are a number of career options available in all of your potential majors, you just have to choose someth-
Me: please i just want to be a small goat on the side of a mountain