DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool

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FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.


Note to self: “rubber” in the US does NOT mean “eraser”. Bright side: my popularity in this office is at an all time high!


Me: BOOP! teehee!
Cop: ..
Me: sorry. did you want me to touch MY nose?


Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.


If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.


Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*


Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar


[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*


College Advisor: Well, there are a number of career options available in all of your potential majors, you just have to choose someth-

Me: please i just want to be a small goat on the side of a mountain