Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
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Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor