Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
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Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy