@Brianhopecomedy

“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”

“Huh?”

*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask

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@dave_cactus

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

@pushinghoops

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

@mommajessiec

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

@abbycohenwl

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

@Marcmywords2

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

@loribuckmajor

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

@robfee

Families in horror movies: *A ghost eats the dog* Hmm probably just the wind.

Me at night: *floor creaks*THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED BURN IT DOWN

@TheTweetOfGod

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”