Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
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TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Families in horror movies: *A ghost eats the dog* Hmm probably just the wind.
Me at night: *floor creaks*THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED BURN IT DOWN
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”