Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
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That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.