me to my husband: please hold me, the stress is not good for the baby
husband: ??? what baby
me: me. im the baby
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
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Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?
GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.