@AnitaHelmet

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

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@GirlPosts

me to my husband: please hold me, the stress is not good for the baby

husband: ??? what baby

me: me. im the baby

@Arr

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

@AlexvanBeek

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

@Mardigroan

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

@LizHackett

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

@AngelaEhh

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

@js_jacques

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

@Reverend_Scott

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions