Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
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[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
No Google it does not
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.