@KeetPotato

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

- @KeetPotato

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Turns out telling a friend “you’re giving off a weird vibe tonight” is not the most direct way to tell them they’re on fire

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Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

@AbbieEvansXO

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

@jake_lach

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@bobvulfov

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
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ME: no
COP: ok ur good

@UnFitz

Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.

@Marlebean

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-Me, at Home Depot

@kyle_thatisall

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