doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
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Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
umm…
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have