Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
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Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities