FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
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Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
How to wake up a Beagle
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT