Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
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I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter鈥檚 room]: Yo, turns out grandma鈥檚 heart is weak af.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can鈥檛 fire my kids
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I could鈥檝e been a doctor. OK, so I don鈥檛 have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What鈥檚 exactly your problem 馃槶
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I would throw more parties if they didn鈥檛 turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.