Hey couples on Facebook that share an account, so which one of you got caught having an affair?
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
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Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
[I uppercut a news guy in his stupid face on live television]
Me: say it
Anchor: t-t-tune in tomorrow for more hard hitting journalism