Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
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Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.