@QwertyJones3

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

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@meganyyb

Hey couples on Facebook that share an account, so which one of you got caught having an affair?

@Ikea_Monkey_89

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

@Marlebean

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

@daemonic3

Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”

Theskywithdiamonds

@mom_tho

brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok

@mantej

In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.

@captainkalvis

[I uppercut a news guy in his stupid face on live television]

Me: say it

Anchor: t-t-tune in tomorrow for more hard hitting journalism