Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
You Might Also Like
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’