@squirrel74wkgn

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

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@rickolantern

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

@DrakeGatsby

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

@badbanana

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

@errdayhustlah

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

@pleatedjeans

OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!

@AimeeHelene1

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

@TYLER_CMC

I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces down by the pond today

@roxaroodw

Apparently it’s inappropriate to ask where her shoes are from when you’re in the next stall.

@kwirkyKerri

Nice cargo shorts. You may want to dial back that awesome a little. Not really sure how much I can take.