People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
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The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces down by the pond today
Apparently it’s inappropriate to ask where her shoes are from when you’re in the next stall.
Nice cargo shorts. You may want to dial back that awesome a little. Not really sure how much I can take.