Doctor: *looking at chart* You need to go for walks more

Me: ok…

Doctor: *still looking at chart* and buy more treats

Me: What?

Doctor: *still looking at chart* and leave the toilet seat up

Me: Wait! You’re my dog in a lab coat!

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friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him


Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related


When I was in my twenties we didn’t have hipsters we had AIDS, which was almost as bad.


Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.


“barack please don’t leave me with them”
“joe you’re leaving when I leave”
“oh right lmao love u”


I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.


hiking is this great activity where u drive to a beautiful place and then spend an hour staring at the ground 2 make sure u don’t fall over


If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.


Funny how arguing works. We’re all “You clearly disagree with me, so I will now repeat my point with steadily increasing levels of volume”


Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]