doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
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Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…