Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
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Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.