@BuckyIsotope

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

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@KattsDogma

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

@jessokfine

You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back

@KMoFlo_official

I didn’t shower today and there has been a gnat flying around my head for several minutes. I think this is how my life as Pigpen starts.

@causticbob

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

@Kendragarden

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all

@briangaar

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

@reallifemommy3

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

@imence2

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

@MandiAtRandom

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

@SimplySnaccbar

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit