I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
It’s worse than I thought
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Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
A new study finds that chicken isn’t as healthy for you as once thought. “Just don’t ask to see our data” clucked one feathered researcher.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me