If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
It’s worse than I thought
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You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I didn’t shower today and there has been a gnat flying around my head for several minutes. I think this is how my life as Pigpen starts.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit