*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
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“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
I put the p in pants.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.