DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
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My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.