COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
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An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
[job interview at Sears]
MANAGER: why do you want to work here?
ME: because I need a jo-
MANAGER: do you even know what we sell?
ME: …i don’t :/
MANAGER: *slides me a name tag* neither do we
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair