@scot7a

DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…

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@KentWGraham

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

@Rollinintheseat

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

@jazz_inmypants

[job interview at Sears]

MANAGER: why do you want to work here?

ME: because I need a jo-

MANAGER: do you even know what we sell?

ME: …i don’t :/

MANAGER: *slides me a name tag* neither do we

@aka_fatman

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

@PinkLipschitz

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

@gitson_shiggles

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

@Michael1979

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

@protolalia

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

@heysarahsweeney

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair