doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
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If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT