Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
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A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*
Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
There’s a guy sitting here on a typewriter. A typewriter. I don’t know if he’s a hipster or a ghost but either way I want no part of it.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I paid $200,000 for an English degree and my coworker just asked me to proofread her Facebook status.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’