doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
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To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work