The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
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Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
My work here is don’t.
HR said no more nunchucks.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?