Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
-How are you feeling?
-Any side effects from the medication?
*cries tears of fire*
-Now that you mention it…
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[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
If your child is allergic to any candy containing peanuts (Snickers, Peanut M&Ms, Abbazabba, etc.), please know that my house is a safe drop zone. I will protect your loved ones by sacrificing myself and eating that candy.