@ojedge

DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”

You Might Also Like

@chuuew

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

@hell_homer

words are just a big scam. they all just mean other words. so you keep on using even more and more words. that’s how they get you.

@Laser_Cat

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

@DadandBuried

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

@IanKarmel

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

@slimmy_shady

Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.

@Mikecanrant

Just saw a shooting star. The crime in this galaxy is getting out of hand.

@JawnQSack

“A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”

A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.

@Not_From_Troy

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

@bobvulfov

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen