COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
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words are just a big scam. they all just mean other words. so you keep on using even more and more words. that’s how they get you.
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Just saw a shooting star. The crime in this galaxy is getting out of hand.
“A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”
A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
– Do you want some?
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen