DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
You Might Also Like
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.