doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
You Might Also Like
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
when someone compliments me
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.