Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
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(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.