I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
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my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.