Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
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If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.