@ThugRaccoons

Doctor: Please step on the scale

Me: No weigh

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@Burger_Time_

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

@mjkspeaks

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

@Kyle_Lippert

Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another

@blade_funner

You people and your Duck Tales. I was raised on real cartoons about nosy hippies in a sketchy van who were so high they thought their dog could talk.

@pfenomenologist

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

@JustDontBugMe

Look, kid, sorry I ate your ice cream out of your hand but at the rate you were licking, it was either gonna be me or the ground.

@Vodkantots

Shrink: How would you rate your depression right now?
Me: 0 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend.

@mayamanion

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

@good_fats

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

@Phoebetate

I was just accosted by a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling “why you ain’t got no babies?”I bet my father in law paid her