ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
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Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
You people and your Duck Tales. I was raised on real cartoons about nosy hippies in a sketchy van who were so high they thought their dog could talk.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Look, kid, sorry I ate your ice cream out of your hand but at the rate you were licking, it was either gonna be me or the ground.
Shrink: How would you rate your depression right now?
Me: 0 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I was just accosted by a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling “why you ain’t got no babies?”I bet my father in law paid her