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@ThugRaccoons: Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
@_steamy_mac: Some weird dude on the street just told me that the end is near and now I can’t stop hugging him and saying, “thank you.”
@RealLucasNeff: The ocean isn't shark-infested. It's the ocean. That's where sharks live. We aren't supposed to be there. Humans infest the ocean.
@dubiousrhetoric: Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
@KeetPotato: [at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
"YOU NEED TO LEAVE"
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: "I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS"
@MarcyLane: When buying baked goods I always ask myself, "are you prepared to eat this in the parking lot?"