[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
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My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
you will never know the true number of layers
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.