doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
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“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat