doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
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LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
That lamp looks PISSED.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.