DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
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I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
True
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.