“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
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got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.