Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

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I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good


Foreigner: I wanna know what love is..

Me: It’s a feeling you get when..

Foreigner: I want you to show me..

Me: Ok, like wow. We just met


My 40 yard dash time: 5.5

My 40 yard dash time after seeing my gf with my phone in her hands: 4.3


My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.


After incorrectly spelling my symptoms at least 100 times, WebMD kicked back “Listen idiot, you’re drunk. Just go lay down”


Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.


The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.


If you’re the kinda person that gets antsy when people stand on an escalator instead of walking, try a blood curdling scream, they’ll move.


Just for kicks whenever I run into an old friend I haven’t seen in a while I greet them with “holy shit I thought you died.”


[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good