@juneohara65

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

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@KDsFavs

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

@TheMichaelRock

Foreigner: I wanna know what love is..

Me: It’s a feeling you get when..

Foreigner: I want you to show me..

Me: Ok, like wow. We just met

@Sean_Burgundy_

My 40 yard dash time: 5.5

My 40 yard dash time after seeing my gf with my phone in her hands: 4.3

@215potter

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

@Mr_Kapowski

After incorrectly spelling my symptoms at least 100 times, WebMD kicked back “Listen idiot, you’re drunk. Just go lay down”

@AzahelZamora

Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.

@Laser_Cat

The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.

@FuckabillyRex

If you’re the kinda person that gets antsy when people stand on an escalator instead of walking, try a blood curdling scream, they’ll move.

@tsm560

Just for kicks whenever I run into an old friend I haven’t seen in a while I greet them with “holy shit I thought you died.”

@ClichedOut

[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good