Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
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-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.