@UnFitz

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

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@WilliamRodgers

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

@seamusmckracken

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

@mommajessiec

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

@jjhartinger

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

@fanofhell

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

@envydatropic

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

@PercySleeves

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?

DOG: Cat person, definitely.

@realHamOnWry

After 50 years of failed embargoes and isolation the US is about to unleash its most obnoxious weapon on Cuba to date…the American tourist.