Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

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3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me: *already asleep on the couch*


At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.


When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”


Wife: Are you coming or not?
Me: Is there gonna be alcohol?
Wife: It’s your grandmother’s funeral!
Wife: NO!
Me: Then I’m not coming.


Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.


Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude


A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture


Yelling “shotgun” when getting in a car means a seat in the front. Yelling it before getting on a plane means a seat in the TSA office.


“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”


Fun game: Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours.