This year for Lent, I’m just giving up.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
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So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
DOG: Cat person, definitely.
After 50 years of failed embargoes and isolation the US is about to unleash its most obnoxious weapon on Cuba to date…the American tourist.
The joke is on you, fruit flies. We don’t even have any fruit.