Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
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*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
*Seductively hides in the woods
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.