@Tmoney68

Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.

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@MsSouthernStems

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

@othersome

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

@theshamingofjay

If you jump through the hole in a hipster’s earlobe you get transported to a SIMS game where the only people are Harry Potter characters

@shopkins776

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

@TylerLinkin

According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.

@LurkAtHomeMom

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

@MarieColette

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

@Tmoney68

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

@thepunningman

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

@skickwriter

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things