Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.

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The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.


the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr


If you jump through the hole in a hipster’s earlobe you get transported to a SIMS game where the only people are Harry Potter characters


Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks


According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.


I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.


I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.


Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.


My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.


There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things