Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

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i have a heavy flow maxi pad in my wallet so it looks like i have lots of money


“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
TT: Bingo



“Hey what happened to the new guy?”

-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6

“But there’s a shark in tan..”



Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.



Air Bud: who’s the new guy

Clifford: idk but he’s cute

[earlier that day]

Scooby Doo: *texting and driving*


Me: I can’t come in today, too much snow

Boss: according to your FB page you’ve already started day drinking and are messaging me from inside an igloo you built

Me: that is correct

B: can I come hang?


[Spelling Bee]

Your word is inception

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

[Spelling Bee]

Your word is inception


I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..