Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
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My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I have never heard an armadillo before.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?