I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
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well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok