@Alex_Houseof308

Doctor: So we want to ask if you can donate one of your kidneys

Me:

Doctor: Sir?

Me: M…my mummy has counted it

You Might Also Like

@uncle_fescue

Buddy: her boyfriend was killed?

Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I’m like, who even kills horses like that?

@dreamthievin

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

@iwearaonesie

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

@kumailn

Donald Sterling saying racism is not a problem is like mosquitoes saying malaria is not a problem.

@mommy_cusses

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

@DaddyJew

No, YOUUU had a kid just so you could have someone to eat pizza and play video games with

@PJTLynch

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

@welfarehoe

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.