Doctor: So we want to ask if you can donate one of your kidneys


Doctor: Sir?

Me: M…my mummy has counted it

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Buddy: her boyfriend was killed?

Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I’m like, who even kills horses like that?


Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.


me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
wife:The other tag
me:Made in Vietnam


Donald Sterling saying racism is not a problem is like mosquitoes saying malaria is not a problem.


Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.


No, YOUUU had a kid just so you could have someone to eat pizza and play video games with


Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time


CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.