Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
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It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?