Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
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If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?