@bitemynoodle

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

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@Marlebean

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

@natalayhehoo

If I ever want to hide something from my husband I’d put it in the dishwasher- he’d never look in there

@Birdhumms

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

@doktorj

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.

@robdelaney

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

@IamEnidColeslaw

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

@FredTaming

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

@Book_Krazy

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!