Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
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Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower