“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
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If I ever want to hide something from my husband I’d put it in the dishwasher- he’d never look in there
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
There is no rest from this pa rum pum pum pum
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!