Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
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All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Thrilling chase underway
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”