COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
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does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp