Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
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Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Bootstraps
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro