There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
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[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?