DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
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A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
This fish is cracking me up
consequences, the bane of my existence
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
You had me at “define legal”.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.