Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
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1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
no
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.