@climaxximus

doctor: take it easy on your joints from now on

me: ok

(later)

me: [talking to my blunt] i’m sorry I called you fat

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@ZSmooth2

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

@Matt_The_1st

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

@Ygrene

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day

@batkaren

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

@Love_bug1016

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

@Bnowaygirl

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

@AdamOfEarth

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

@pinupteacher

My boss is basically Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Deceitful, selfish, conniving, wears too much make up, is an octopus.

@ceejoyner

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

@AmericanGent69

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.