Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
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Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.