Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
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[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over