Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
You Might Also Like
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
another case of gang violins
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion