[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
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<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking